Intro:
I began writing this article in October of 2023, 1 year ago. News of yet another church scandal was breaking, and this time it was around an organization and teacher I loved from the International House of Prayer. I myself have a history of experiencing trauma and abuse within spiritual communities. I have had to walk through that healing journey, and process what I went through in churches. As a therapist specializing in trauma and abuse, I have also walked with many on their healing journey’s as they were recovering from trauma and abuse within church/spiritual/religious communities. As much as I know on this topic, when I heard of the scandal, I was struck with grief and disbelief. A feeling of shame and a negative belief came rushing right back, resounding “why does this keep happening to me?” This time though, because I had experienced it so many times before, I was able to ground myself back into the reality; and the reality is, it really isn’t all that surprising because abuse thrives in the church and lots of religious/spiritual communities. I have experienced this disappointment over and over again, and so have many others. This is why I am writing this article; to give perspective to those going through the betrayal of their religious communities on what is happening, why it is happening, and why it is not your fault. The fault lies solely on a system that enables abusers, and the abusers themselves that use positions of power to control and manipulate others for their personal gain. Sadly, it is so much more common than we realize.
For some reason, I spent months going back and forth on this article, and it just wasn’t right yet. I wanted the readers to learn something that would help them, and use my personal experiences and my professional experience to teach it. Like a lot of survivors, there is a lot of fear in sharing parts of your personal story though. In recent months, a young wife of a pastor completed “suicide” due to the domestic violence she endured, and this story has gripped the world. I and so many others had lived so much of what she experienced. We were the lucky ones that got out, but we also still lost our lives in many ways as we were left with multiple chronic illnesses and mental health diagnosis from years of our nervous systems living in a trauma response. Then yet another blow; a previous pastor of mine was arrested for a felony sex crime. I was reminded that now is the time to talk about this, and we have to keep telling our stories, educating the world on this topic that hurts so many. Our religious and spiritual communities are meant to be a place of safety, not harm. Now is the time to rid our spiritual communities from “wolves in sheep’s clothing.” The way we do this? Knowledge is power and our stories save lives. We have to first see the strategies abusers use to rise to a place of power in people’s lives. We have to see their tactics and not fall for them. We have to stop enabling the strategies and structures that are in place within these religious/spiritual communities, and stop exalting men and women in our lives that are not worthy of speaking to us for God, simply because they are charismatic popular people.
My backstory: Why I am writing this. Luke 8:17
I became a Christian at the age of 20 when I was in an abusive situation. My abuser’s parents pastored a Pentecostal/Apostolic church, the church I attended first. I was previously a Wiccan. It was a major culture shock to go from Wiccan to Pentecostal. However, I did have a genuine “Spiritual Awakening” and an encounter with Jesus I just can’t explain. I became a Christian, and although there were things I didn’t agree with, I stayed in that church setting for a while. I won’t go into the details of the trauma, but I witnessed a lot of abuse, and experienced it firsthand, mostly in terms of being made to believe that it was my fault I was in an abusive situation, and I could not leave it. Lots of religious abuse tactics were used to keep me there. I got out at the age of 23, and I started going to another local church. At the new church, yet again, I witnessed spiritual abuse, and I myself when I decided to leave, was somewhat “shunned” by some. It was at this church I was introduced to the ministry I referred to in the first paragraph, International House of Prayer, IHOP KC. I went to one of their conferences. I bought their books, I loved their music, I admired a lot of their teachings. I had real life changing encounters with God in what they refer to as the “prayer room” which was a room of musicians playing worship 24/7. I went on to a new church that was considered a House of Prayer simply because I loved that model so much. I am a worshipper, a musician, and sort of a spiritual “hippy” if you will, so the freedom at this place really made me feel like I found where I belonged. And in a lot of regards, I had. At this church that was a House of Prayer, I met some lifelong amazing friends, and even my husband. Someone came to this church (and my previous church as well) from IHOP KC, and decided to build an extension of IHOP in our area. I became involved, and my husband and I did an internship at the House of Prayer. My husband was actually part of leadership at this HOP. But as the years went on, there were things I noticed that didn’t sit well with me. I want to be careful how I express this because again, I met and love a lot of people from these places, even from my first church and some of the family members of these individuals who I love dearly. What I observed was that the culture in general in the HOP, Charismatic, Non-Denominational, Evangelical, Pentecostal realm was a lot of unhealthy dynamics and structures that made an environment perfect for abusers and vulnerable people alike. I also noticed a disturbing pattern that as structures or people were questioned, instead of transparency or accountability, those individuals would get labeled in a category of “offended” and later discredited and sometimes discarded altogether. As the things we pointed out started coming to light and things would unravel, the people in the communities would be left to pick up the pieces and the leaders or abusers responsible fled accountability and would usually go do the same things all over again somewhere else. It was in this time I found myself saying to myself often “why does this keep happening to me?!” It is literally everywhere I go, the same story! Like most, these thoughts were followed by “is it me? Am I the problem? Am I too distrustful and guarded? Am I actually the abusive one? Why can’t I just submit? Maybe I am rebellious.” These are all things I have had to work on in my own therapy and in my relationship with God, and I want to give others some of the things I learned along the way and to shine a light on a dark place. Luke 8:17
What is actually happening?
In order to answer the question “why does this keep happening?” We first must answer the question, what is “it”? The answer is fairly simple, no matter how complicated we try to make it. “It” is abuse, and “it” keeps happening because of the types of people that are attracted to specific types of structures that enables them to be in a place of power over others and get away with abuse. “It” happens in all forms of relationships, religions and cultures including romantic relationships, work-place, friendships, family relationships, churches, social groups, and even on a major scale such as relationship between people and authorities like police, doctors, government, etc.
Why does abuse keep happening in church/spiritual communities? (Directly, indirectly, any type)
1. Because of the types of people drawn to leadership positions in ministry: We know “narcissist” is a popular word right now. There are a few diagnoses that include abuse of others as a symptom. *Cluster B Personality disorders: Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder primarily. These diagnosis’ cause the person to: Have no insight or accountability for their behavior; they only see things through the lens of control and see people as objects; have no empathy for others; have no remorse for any wrong-doing; desire power and control over others because at their core, they feel worthless, and controlling others makes them feel powerful; The heart is the same even if the expression looks different. Abuse can look different from person to person and place to place, and in varying degrees, but the tactics and the motivations are still the same. You can experience covert and overt abuse; covert abuse would be something that makes you subtly doubt yourself over a period of time i.e gaslighting. An example would be someone says “your husband abused you because you weren’t submitting.” Overt abuse, such as a pastor sexually assaulting someone. There are two types of people that are drawn to positions of power: people who are genuine, humble, and want to make a difference in other’s lives; and the people who have traits of/or a diagnosis of a Cluster B Personality Disorder and deep down, subconsciously or consciously, only want power and control over others. It is important to say that mental health disorders are based on real personality traits we all have. You can have some anxiety and not have an anxiety disorder for an example. You can also have traits of a personality disorder and not meet criteria for a diagnosis, so I am not making an overgeneralization and saying all abusers have NPD, but all abusers do have traits of a personality disorder. Apply this concept to all positions of power, and now you have your answer as to why so many politicians, first responders, health care professionals, etc have higher rates of abuse; it’s because the position of power they are in over other’s and they went into that position to have that power over others. Long story short, places like churches are more likely to attract to leadership people who have traits of/or diagnosis of a personality disorder.
2. Because these individuals are very charming people that easily gain the trust of others, and they become popular/idolized because of their charisma and “spiritual abilities”: If you ever watch a documentary on cult leaders, you generally hear about how charismatic, charming, passionate, intelligent they are. And they are, on the surface! The problem is they are for the wrong reasons. That facade is a tool, a tactic, to gain trust and respect from others. When they feel threatened or like they are losing control over others, those masks fall quickly and you see the scary, manipulative, diabolical side of them. This is usually where the term “Jekyll and Hyde” comes in. They are literally like 2 different people. Before they are ever exposed, they use their charisma to gain popularity and favor, making it “uncool” to question them. In the IHOP example, this leader was highly esteemed, therefore the things he taught was taken as a “prophetic message from God.” He knew this, and used this manipulation tactic to his advantage, and started teaching about false accusations that were coming to the church, and an incoming “attack from Satan” because he knew he was about to be exposed. This was an attempt to keep people quiet from expressions of concerns or opinions, and to cause doubts in their minds around the validity of the accusations that were sure to come. When the abuser’s behaviors come to light, usually you see the following remarks: “remember, it’s only alleged, we don’t know for sure.” The ministry has to iterate that the women making the allegations were “trustworthy and reliable.” The ministry has to justify all of its actions. The ministry gives some condescending back pats such as “we are praying for the victim’s healings, and for the healing of the perpetrator.” People come out of the woodwork saying things like “I don’t believe it, he was a good guy,” or to justify it because “He was a mighty man of God and Satan targeted him extra hard.” Every time survivors hear these statements, it can cause them to not speak out in fear of responses like this.
3. Because of the attitude of the congregation towards women: Abusive people tend to fall into systems where there is a belief that there are weaker people under them. Throughout history and in a lot of religions, women are regarded as the weaker one. Someone can have easier control over others if that group believes and fully gives over their power to others because of a believe system. In places where equality is not practiced, it is easier for wolves in sheep’s clothing to put themselves in positions above others. These cultures also put all the responsibility on women for other’s behaviors. These abusive cultures tend to focus on things women do or don’t do, and put unrealistic and unfair expectations such as “don’t cause your brother to stumble” onto them, so that even if the man in a position of power does “stumble,” it is still not his fault. If you are not aware of this term, it is typically used in churches to tell women to dress a certain way so they don’t cause men to lust after them. Rarely do we hear messages about men respecting women no matter what they wear, and being fully responsible for their own actions and thoughts. This is taught in Christian marriages as well. The woman is always under the microscope first, therefore putting the focus away from the abuser. Abusers pick communities like this on purpose so they can use those excuses when they get caught, casting doubt on what the allegations are. This is why some religions and denominations have higher rates of abuse.
4. Because of the attitude of the congregation towards sin: Watch carefully the message focus of leaders in a church. If they are focused on a prominent figure who is known for doing horrendous things, but idolizing and using that person as a person to be like, that may be an indication this person is playing the long game in grooming a congregation to excuse their behaviors when their behaviors are exposed. IHOP in particular focuses heavily on David from the Bible. In fact, the entire “tabernacle of night and day prayer” is based on the story of David from the Bible, because David had established this in his time. The history of David was taught on a lot by the leader and others at IHOP. If you don’t know the story of David, he raped and killed someone, and he committed adultery. In the Bible story, David was punished for killing the husband of the woman he was sleeping with by the death of their first born son. After David’s first son dies, David and his new wife go on to have Solomon from the Bible, whose bloodline goes on to Jesus. This is taught as a redemption story. While there are so many things to be learned from this story and many others like this one in the Bible, you have to pay attention to the interpretation given by the teacher, and ask yourself, “what message is this person trying to teach me, and why?” I propose that abusive people focus heavily on these messages to groom the congregation to be ready to excuse despicable behavior when it comes to light. Or, at the very least, the abuser and the enablers can give the congregation some BS story of how the abuser is getting help but will be “restored” back into ministry just like David. You are probably thinking, “do you really think they are planning and doing this on purpose?” My answer is yes, 100%. Grooming is a tactic abusers use. Grooming takes place over a long period of time and happens subtly over time. The intention of grooming is to slowly gain the trust of the victim, and ensure that when the abuse happens, the victim will not talk or hold the abuser accountable. And, it works! In all childhood sexual abuse, grooming was present. The perpetrator would slowly gain trust of the victim and the people around the victim, they would portray an image that no one would believe any accusation, and they would convince the victim that they could not tell because no one would believe them, what the abuser is doing isn’t wrong, or will give the victim something in return such as gifts, and/or threaten the victim if they talk. It happens more subtly in religious communities sometimes, just like the example I gave with preaching on David. There are also years of messages being taught that if you speak out against a spiritual leader, you are in rebellion, and it is a sin to gossip. There is a clip going around of the husband of the young women that passed away from “suicide” that I referenced earlier, and he was preaching that it was “demonic” and evil that during their marriage, people reached out to her to offer help regarding her marriage. Subconsciously that whole congregation was told “you don’t talk about abuse because it is a sin to gossip.” I am sure that type of rhetoric is what kept her there for so long, as well as people in the congregation. I am sure it kept people quit about any abuse they saw.
Also watch how the congregation approaches abuse prevention. When I was involved in the HOP community, it seemed there was a fixation on fear of accusation of sexual wrongdoing. They had all sorts of precautions they taught such as the opposite sex couldn’t text or be together alone, and all doors had windows. My husband and I always hated some of these rules about the opposite sex, because if he needs to text a friend of ours that happens to be a woman, it just felt weird to have to include her husband and myself in the message. It always felt like this underlying layer of lack of trust towards one another. In my HOP internship, everyone was required to have “Covenant Eyes” installed on their devices, which was an app that would email your “accountability partner” or leader if you accessed pornography on your device. This was done despite the history of the individual. I understood the reasons at the time, but I later realized the sentiment was backwards. The sentiment was always to avoid “false accusation” when the sentiment should have been “protect people from abuse” all along, and I think that is why these things never sat right with me that all these rules were in place.
5. Because of the attitudes and beliefs about healing, health care and mental health treatment: When I was in the HOP movement, there was something called “Inner Healing” that was very popular. The HOP movement trains in inner healing, and most HOP’s have what they call “healing rooms.” I have noticed that abuse tends to happen more in places where there is a belief that mental and physical illness is primarily a spiritual issue. The inner healing model is basically a model that goes through all of your issues and looks at spiritual roots, and you say prayers and “renounce and repent” whatever the issue is. *I want to specify, I benefited greatly from ministries like this in my own healing process, in addition to real evidence-based mental health treatment, and I myself have had training in these areas of healing. However, I do have issues with the way these ministries are oftentimes ran, and the lack of consideration for causes of issues and treatment outside of spiritual ones, which can cause further damage in people’s lives. I find abusers do tend to go to places where they can have a high status/role in an area without putting in the actual work to responsibly help others and legitimately do that role. I will tell a story from my time around “inner healing ministries” to demonstrate. I was a fairly new therapist. An inner healing minister (who had no education or background in mental health whatsoever, or in any other field for that matter) came to me and asked the following: how to work with Dissociative Identity Disorder, and how to get someone off their medications. I could tell the response I gave was not the response she hoped for because she pretty much stopped consulting with me completely after she heard my answer, which was “you don’t.” This individual had categorized multiple people I knew with DID, and tried to get them to not take medication so their “spirit would be more receptive.” I was mortified. I sounded all the alarms. I even offered to do free training to this group on how to refer people out for mental health treatment and to educate them on various diagnosis and mental healthcare, because diagnosing and treating anything was not ok for them to do. It wasn’t just mental healthcare. I have seen churches encourage people do things such as deny cancer treatment, medications, and encourage specific diets/supplements instead. In my field, we call that “practicing out of your scope,” or in this situation, “practicing without a license,” which is a felony. I have a Master’s degree in the mental health field and am licensed in 2 states, and even I can’t tell people directions in regards to medication, because I am not a doctor. Abusive people thrive in places like this because they can create programs with zero credibility or accountability and be popular because there is just no accountability or appropriate oversight since the belief of the collective is that everything is spiritual. It is so much easier to make something up instead of actually getting a degree and license. A major red flag is any church that does “counseling” but the person doing the counseling is not licensed or educated in the field. Getting a degree in seminary, or getting a quick course and license so you can do weddings and funerals, does not qualify you to provide health care in any shape or form. For some reason, it is widely accepted to see a pastor for things as serious as couples therapy. It also doesn’t help that “coaching” has now tried to legitimize people who have no training. These groups also typically disparage any “secular” treatment that is evidenced-based. *please note, I am not discrediting the use of pastoral counseling or life coaches; I am simply pointing out that those individuals should never hold themselves out as the expert, treat without a license, and discourage use of evidenced-based treatment in addition to life coaching and/or pastoral counseling. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard messages on “pharmakeia,” which translates to “sorcery.” Preachers with no training in health care or the Greek language have somehow concocted a widely accepted belief amongst several denominations, and that is that taking any pharmaceuticals is witchcraft, which is a sin in their eyes. Ask yourself, why does a “pastor” care about the medications people take? Is it because they are concerned for your soul and you will go to hell if you take Zoloft? No. If you get treatment, you may get better. A church and pastor doesn’t have as much control over you when you aren’t sick or have a need. Why would they not want you to go therapy? Therapy is an excellent tool everyone can benefit from! Well, therapy makes you stronger. A church and pastor won’t get your tithe money when you realize through the help of your therapist that you are in a dysfunctional/abusive dynamic in your church, and leave.
6. Because of Hierarchy’s, Secret Structures and Cliques within the Church: the constant message that there is a higher calling and important role/title within the religion, and everyone is supposed to strive to be at the top: I always felt like I was destined for something more. I had so many dreams and passions. That isn’t a bad thing, but in the hands of the wrong person, it can lead to exploitation. Churches/spiritual communities that ascribe to a belief system of titles and hierarchies are at a higher risk of having abusive leaders. These hierarchy’s work only when they give the congregation a feeling they are lesser than the person in leadership, and that they should all aspire to be just like them. These ministries make a lot of money off of “calling you higher.” If you just buy, listen, attend, and do the things they tell you, you can ascend to be just like them. Let me give an example: A lot of churches/denominations have titles for people (Pastor, Prophet, Evangelist, Apostle, etc.). The first traveling preacher I heard of was called a Prophet, and he was talked about like a god. I didn’t understand. Why do people talk about this guy like he is Jesus? When I heard him speak, he told so many stories about crazy things he did: He did a 40-day water fast and lived in a shed to talk to God. Apparently, this made him so holy that he could raise the dead. Now this is not a knock on anyone’s religious or spiritual beliefs or practices. I myself am still a Christian and I do believe in miracles and understand the importance of certain meaningful activities in a religion such as fasting and prayer. However, I want to point out that this is also a tactic of abusers. They can’t have power over you if they are equal to you. They have to make you feel like you are lesser than, and they are special, and that you want to be just like them. Like seriously, how cool would that be to not eat for 40 days and not die and then walk into a hospital and heal everyone?! I do want to walk out the stories we read in Acts in the Bible. Here is the difference though: How are we using our stories? If we use stories to put ourselves above others for personal gain, it is abuse. If we use our stories to say how wonderful we are and how you could be just like me if you did the things I did, that is a business model and you are just selling something. It is an exploitation of our purpose and desires. It is a way for us to stay involved so we continue to give money, continue to offer free labor, continue to grow the ministry that is actually just a business with an excellent tax break.
7. Because of the attitude of the congregation towards other believers outside of the church: If you want to know if you are in a healthy community, just look at how they treat people that leave the community. Also look at how they talk about people that are not or were never part of the community. If it is all negative, that is a good indication this could be an abusive community. They have to make you feel like this is the only place you can be to maintain control of you. They want to appear to be the only right option in your life. Early in my first church, I started to notice a disturbing pattern; every single sermon would say something negative about another church, denomination or religion. I brought it up. I was dismissed and told that it was important to talk about this to demonstrate how blinded everyone else was so we wouldn’t be “deceived”. I once saw a mother and father have a prayer meeting for the soul of their daughter because she was marrying a Catholic. That says so much right there alone. There is a real belief within these unhealthy communities that they are the only ones who are enlightened, see the truth, and have a real relationship with God. Anyone in any other denomination can’t possibly be as enlightened as they are. This is partly how they can get you to stay. They make you feel special because you are in the right place. When people leave, the people who are left will see how those individuals are labeled as “back slidden” or “lukewarm.” Oftentimes abusive communities will tell the congregation to sever ties with those that left. This is yet another abuse tactic because what would happen if the congregation talked to those that left and learned that the grass really is greener on the other side? They would leave. The abusers would lose money and control.
8. Because of the attitude of the congregation when someone speaks up and challenges abusive behavior: Abusers tend to create atmospheres that make it difficult to speak up about red flags. I have seen women be labeled “Jezebel”, and people labeled “bitter and offended.” I have seen preachers methodically talk on topics such as submission and forgiveness when something happens and people leave the church. Sometimes abusers are attracted to specific places that already have a culture of submitting to your pastors and leaders, and any form of concern is interpreted as negative, therefore leading the people to not feel safe to speak up about red flags regarding a particular person, belief or group culture. This leads to us gaslighting ourselves into thinking we are the problem. This leads to a culture with no safety or transparency with one another. In a healthy dynamic, you can safely share concerns with one another. In a healthy dynamic, we are equal. In an unhealthy dynamic, any mention of concerns is seen as adversarial and a threat to power. In an unhealthy dynamic, and concern is seen as you questioning a superior and being in rebellion.
We are in an abusive relationship with the church.
We go through the same cycles that happen in an abusive relationship within these abusive communities. The love bombing at first where they talk to you like you are special and you belong. They speak into your innermost desires and give you opportunity to do those things. When you slightly do something that challenges them, you feel tension build and you worry constantly about your place in the pack and if you are wrong or worthy of being in this group. You internalize everything. You start to put everyone else’s needs above your own. They let the mask slip, and you start to see the true side of them and begin to question why you are there. As soon as you are seeing more clearly this is an unhealthy situation, they put the mask back on and go straight into love bombing, promising you the world, so you make an excuse for them, and then you try harder to please them, assuming you had some responsibility in whatever caused the issue. And this cycle repeats over and over again until you realize it is a house of cards and get out, or until the abuser has no more need for you and discards you.
The only way we break the cycle of abuse within these spiritual/religious communities is by recognizing the signs and not empowering and enthroning abusive people. We must stop letting man talk to us for God, and go to God ourselves, in whatever way that looks like for us. We must take ourselves out of the cycle. We must do what we can to be our healthiest with good boundaries, so we are not vulnerable to predators. We must listen to our bodies, our guts, our spirits, and not dismiss red flags or anything that makes us feel uncomfortable. If we voice a boundary or something that makes us uncomfortable and we are dismissed, we must have the ability to turn around and walk the other way because that is a sign this is not the place for us. We must let go the desire to be someone important within our religion with a title, for God uses us all and speaks to us all, and we are valuable and worthy in the eyes of God simply by being ourselves, and not by any work or title we will have. Most importantly, we have to share our stories and know that real love for others looks like speaking out against abuse, not enabling it. Real love looks like mutual submission to one another, not a man’s tyranny over others. Ephesians 5:21
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I enjoyed this post from start to finish—excellent job!
Lisa Sowry
Excellent article Joanna, I don’t know if you remember me. Brad and I had care of Hope Ranch. I spent the last 7 years literally holed up resourcing trauma help, and finding healing for the last 30 years. Hope pushed me over the edge, thank God, and helped me finally walk out of it. My biggest issue was finding help that didnt encourage me either to leave my faith entirely or made excuses for what I had experienced. I found others to walk with, and have walked away from institutional Christianity, preferring to live lives in the world, loving others who he crosses my path with. I’m 64, and never experienced an institution without abuses. I just don’t think Jesus came to create another religion at all. But to reconnect us to a Father who loves us and created us to bring his justice and love into the world. A friend of mine, Wayne Jacobson has been my biggest help and encouraged. His book He Loves Me, is the most beautiful interpretation of the gospel I’ve read. He has a podcast called The God Journey. Hope saw him as the enemy. You can guess why. Anyway, thank you and keep writing. So many of us were unable to afford therapy when we left, and had to struggle on. I feel fortunate to be walking a deeper life since leaving, faith flourishing. Not all were able. Take care. I remember you both as people of gentleness and integrity. I’m glad your ok.
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Your clear and thorough explanation made a big difference for me.